CARROLL: Okay, team. We know the Panthers aren't very good. In fact, at 1-10, they're the worst team in the league. That's not much of a challenge, even for us.
Now, the easy thing to do would be to dominate them for 60 minutes, to pound them into the turf, shut out their offense, and let ours run up the score on them. You know, post a fortyburger on 'em or something.
But we're not going to do that. It wouldn't be sporting, it wouldn't entertain the fans, and it wouldn't be the character-building experience this team needs. [Expressions of pained stupefication seize the faces of the assembled PLAYERS.]
You know how I say, "Always compete"? Well, I want you to forget about that during the first half today. For the first thirty minutes of the game, we're going to let Carolina have their way with us. [The team erupts with ejaculations of outrage. CARROLL holds up his hand, and they fall quiet.]
Hear me out. We're gonna handicap this one. We're gonna lay an egg out there in the first half to set ourselves up for a big comeback in the second half.
Everyone has a part to play in this. Jeremy, as our offensive coordinator, you have one of the most important roles. I need you to call the most unimaginitive game imaginable in the first half. Idiot stuff. You've shown a flair for this in the past. Everyone knows we like to give it to Marshawn on first down, and our line isn't good enough to open holes on a defense that expects the run. So I want you to give it to Lynch on every first down, so we won't gain any yards. In fact, give it to him on every down on most drives. You know, run-run-run-punt. Marshawn: keep it in Least Mode, okay? Jeremy, if you get tempted to throw the ball, avoid safe comeback routes. Instead, call a bunch of low-percentage bombs. The long pass worked well a few weeks ago when no one expected it, but now everyone's covering it, so throwing deep is a good way to turn over the ball and give Carolina a fighting chance.
HASSELBECK: Excuse me, coach, but I don't want to throw any more interceptions. I've already thrown so many. This is a contract year for me. I feel like you're trying to deflate my market value.
CARROLL: [A sly smile creeps across his face.] Don't be silly, Matt. We wouldn't do that to you. I need you to be a team player here. We need to spot Carolina two picks. If you can't get it done in the first half, finish up in the second. Two interceptions, that's all I ask. [HASSELBECK buries his face in his hands, dejected.]
Now, about the receiving corps. We've got too many weapons. It's not really fair to the Panthers. Right now, we're only missing John Carlson, who I hear used to be a pretty good tight end before I got here. So, I need our starting wide receivers Mike and Ben to leave the game early with injuries. That will whittle us down to three backup wideouts and two backup tight ends. That will make Carolina competitive.
Okay, defense. You know I love you, but I really need you to lay down in the first half. Let Carolina's O-Line blast you off the line of scrimmage, let their backs run wild, make like you can't tackle. Act like you can't cover their receivers. Pretend that you can't pressure the passer. We're gonna Jimmy Clausen look like Johnny Unitas, but only for the first half.
HAWTHORNE: Coach, I can't do it. I never take plays off.
CARROLL: That's okay, Heater. I know. Fortunately, Aaron Curry and our entire defensive line can disappear at will. And most of our defensive backs don't really "cover" receivers, or try to pick off passes. They think their job is just to tackle receivers after they catch the ball. Believe me, if the rest of the unit lays down like I want them to, your extraordinary individual efforts won't matter. [HAWTHORNE hangs his head.]
I'm not gonna forget about special teams. Leon, you're the man on this one. On kick returns, when their gunner is bearing down on you like a guided missile, perfectly timed to decleat you as soon as you grab the ball, I need you to forget how to call for a fair catch. Give them a free shot on you.
WASHINGTON: Coach, that's dangerous.
CARROLL: Man up, Leon. What's the worst that could happen?
WASHINGTON: Um. last year I got hit and suffered a compound fracture. They said I might never play again. The rehab was the most difficult and painful thing I've ever been through. I'm lucky to be here.
CARROLL: [Sternly.] That's right, and if you want to stay here, you need to do what I say. No one's place on this team is safe. Look how many players I've waived this year!
[Softening.] Look, after you take one big shot, you can call as many fair catches as you want. Deal? [Incredulous and unresponsive, WASHINGTON just stares at CARROLL.]
We're not done, Leon. Listen: At some point, on a kickoff, bobble the ball out of the end zone and pretend for a minute that you don't know that you have to return the kick, that you're ineligible for a touchback at that point. That way, we can start a drive on our own five instead of taking unfair advantage by starting from our own twenty.
Finally, Leon, if you do break a big return, I need you to avoid scoring a touchdown at all costs. Here's an idea: Start showboating early. Do the Deon thing, or hold up your finger to say you're #1. That'll slow you down enough that even a punter might be able to catch you. Oh, and don't high-step, because then they won't be able to ankle-tackle you.
WASHINGTON: C'mon coach, I'm in play for the all-time record on return touchdowns, and you want me just to give one up like that? People will make fun of me on the postgame shows and on the Internet.
CARROLL: Are you "all in," Leon?
WASHINGTON: [Bows head.] Yes, sir.
CARROLL: Good, because special teams are unpredictable. You might need to extend your suckage into the second half to get it all done.
SPENCER: Coach, we're retiring Big Walt's number today. I know you never coached him, so maybe you don't understand this, but I feel like your game plan is disrespectful to him. Shouldn't we honor the greatest player in team history by putting together a complete game today?
CARROLL: I hear what you're saying, Chris. But think how much more it will mean to him if we wait to play well until after his jersey is retired, with two minutes left in the first half. As soon as the ceremony's over, I give you guys permission to score. But don't get carried away. Field goals only. No touchdowns until the second half. Deal?
SPENCER: [Shakes his head.] I still don't get it.
CARROLL: That's why you're just a player and I'm the coach.
[Looking around, CARROLL reads the universally defeated body language of the assembled PLAYERS.] Excellent. Right now, you guys look like losers. That is precisely the attitude you need to stink up Seahawks Stadium for a whole half.
But look at the bright side:
In the second half, I'm gonna let Jeremy get into a real playcalling groove.
I will permit our offensive line to provide good pass protection and open some running lanes. Marshawn will go into Beast Mode, grind out some tough yards, and maybe even score a few touchdowns. I'll let Justin tear off a few long runs.
Matt: We'll call some safer passes. If you want, you can move around in and out of the pocket to buy time. You can make some presnap reads and call a few inspired audibles.
Stokley, you're gonna do what you do in the slot and make some clutch third-down catches.
Golden, you're going to catch a few balls, too, and show some grit and elusiveness in getting some tough yards after the catch.
Cameron, you're going to make people wonder why we still list Carlson as our #1 tight end.
Defense: We'll show we know how to stop a one-dimensional offense. We'll stack the box and stuff the run. We'll let crowd noise and a withering pass rush rattle their rookie quarterbacks. Our defensive backs will dabble in coverage. And something tells me that Lofa is overdue for a pick six.
Here's the thing: after playing so poorly throughout the first half, our comeback will seem that much more impressive. [Flashes that winning smile.]
All right, let's get a break here!
Ha!
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